Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades

You may realize by now that I’m not really a fan of being runner up. I’m not so competitive that I freak out about winning or losing, but getting “close” to an achievement gives me no satisfaction. I’m a 1 or a 0 type person… not .5.  I suppose I do act like being close is a good thing when giving pep talks or advice, but that’s what we HAVE to do right?

Oh you almost passed your CPA exam? Well hey with a little more studying you might pass it next time, keep it up champ! (.5) The real me is saying well you wanted to be a CPA and now you aren’t one. (0).

So let me tell you about my .5 moment were I was almost the 2015-2016 spokes-model for Cindy Crawford’s Meaningful Beauty campaign.  For those that are unfamiliar, Cindy Crawford has a beauty line called Meaningful Beauty. It’s really great, high end, stuff that consists mostly of magic lotions and serums that make you stay young-looking slightly longer than you normally would have. If you use these products and generally stay out of the sun, you could add a bit of pretty-time to your face. Being the vain lady that I am, I’ve used these products for about 7 years and am a big fan.

I don’t get crazy and use the whole “system”. I stick to the few items I believe work best for me. If I’m being honest I also buy them on eBay to save some money. I love paying less than full price, it’s like a drug for me. Sorry Cindy, but $57 for 1oz of serum is too much. I’m going to pay $32 on eBay (which is also too much).

close discounts

Never pay full price. (Trying to prove that open minded democrats are also not PC… is it working? p.s. In case you’re intellectually impaired, this is sarcasm. You’re welcome.)

We could get into this whole debate of inner beauty and appearance not being the most important thing blah blah blah I agree. But I still prefer being pretty over not being pretty, so if that’s anti-feminist then I’ll own that.

Back when I was still on Facebook the Meaningful Beauty page posted something where if you comment with your favorite product they would put you in a drawing to win it. I can’t remember the details but that’s the basic gist. I normally don’t do stuff like that but I have a strange habit of winning things. That’s probably another blog. If I play a game of chance, not a competition, I win more often than not. Strange, but true. I digress. I didn’t win the beauty product, but I did get a message from Cindy’s marketing manager.

She asked me to FaceTime with her to talk about possibility being the spokesperson in their next round of infomercials.  Some of you know these things play for HOURS on end in the early morning on certain channels like Lifetime for Women, etc. I was like wow ok why not? She said she would send me $300 worth of free products just for talking to her, and she did! Free stuff = S C O R E.

close free stuff

Eventually we go back and forth discussing my age, my recent marriage, situations where people may have thought I am younger than I am, and her generally figuring out if I am presentable enough for television and not prone to dramatic outbursts or inappropriate behavior (hehe). She, for some reason, decides that yes, I am that person.

I end up doing maybe 10 of these interviews, which she records, and plays for their marketing team. Cindy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pretty cool. Meanwhile, they keep sending me these giant kits of free products. I could have started a Meaningful Beauty store at that point.

close wedding

This was the cover photo they were going to use.  Awwwww Not-Tom-Brady and his never receding hairline (thank you hair gods). And yes, we look alike, which is weird and we all know it. 

I then get this very bland, info-less, email basically saying that while I was originally their first choice, they ended up going another way. Another way? What other way? There’s only ONE other way, right? Someone prettier than me. Damn you prettier than me person! Now to be honest, I don’t care much about being on TV. I was actually a bit reluctant. What I DID want quite a lot was to meet Cindy Crawford and to work with her. It would have been a dream come true. But alas, Cindy decided to “go another way”.

About 6-7 months later the new set of infomercials was about to debut. I stayed up late and prepared myself to see who this horrible, sneaky, Cindy-stealing shrew would be. Instead I found a beautiful, well-spoken woman, the same age as me, but prettier.  Dang! She looked like a combination of Whitney Houston and Diana Ross, except more beautiful and more interesting. Hey Marie Christine, Welcome to .5.

close cindy!

Cindy!!!!!! Why Cindy Why?????!!!!!!!!!

If you think that’s a bad .5 story, I think my mother has one that wins the Pulitzer F#cking Prize of .5’s.

Jill Meets The Beatles…

On August 15th, 1965, my mother got to do one of the coolest things a person could do in their lifetime. She saw The Beatles play in front of 56,000 people at Shea Stadium. Journalists said that at time you couldn’t even hear the music over the screams of the crowd. This is one of the most famous gigs in history, right up there with Woodstock. There are countless articles, movies, documentaries etc. about this epic moment in time.

My mother, Susan, had entered into a contest to meet the Beatles backstage at the show. This, of course, was an obvious long shot. As the day of the concert arrived, she and her brother had all but forgotten about the contest. They went and enjoyed the concert, returning home with unparalleled stories and memories. The MF’ING BEATLES!!!!!!

A few months later, she received a package in the mail addressed to her. She opened the package and saw a book titled “Jill Meets the Beatles”.  Huh… Along with the book was a note explaining that she had originally won the contest to meet the Beatles. They called her home several times to confirm, but no one answered so they moved on to the next contestant. They were sorry that she was unable to meet the Beatles, but here was a book describing Jill’s experience meeting the Beatles, as a consolation prize. Sincerely, Bearer of the Worst News a Teenage Girl in 1965 could possibly hear.

close dayum

What kind of evil devil incarnate thinks that sending this note and consolation prize is helpful in any way! Well, I suppose it gave her daughter some interesting blog material 52 years later…..   Jill can suck it…

Is that or is that not the most bullshit .5 story you’ve ever heard? Horseshoes and hand grenades my friends.

Futuristic cyborg warriors communicating

#GoldIsFromAliens

 

4 thoughts on “Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades”

  1. Well, if you are tracking degrees of separation from famous people, you would have scored pretty well on this one. I mean one degree from an A lister? Beats he’ll out of my ride in an elevator with Peter Uberoth.

    And wow, your poor mother! Life without voicemail or answering machines was HARD, I tell ya.

    Like

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