Postcards from Jager…

I was torn between two blog titles. Option 1: Postcards from Jager, the Diary of a Functioning Alcoholic or Option 2: Postcards from Jager, the Diary of an Alcoholic in Training.

I believe Option 2 is more accurate, but Option 1 is funnier. Then I thought wow these titles could be offensive? If you’re in recovery of some sort, I applaud you and this is not intended to make a joke out of alcoholism, but rather to shed a comic light on the impact of the current state of the world (It’s gone to shit in case you hadn’t heard) and the correlation to increased alcohol usage.

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I *think* people who know me would describe me a serious. I’m not a goofy, fun loving person. I was born serious and will die serious. I take everything seriously. I’m quite pragmatic, to a fault. I work two jobs and give both of them 100%. I’m an involved parent and a good wife. I work on being a better person, a good partner and a good momma on a daily basis. I’m not perfect but I try. But… everyone has their faults. 

As of late, I also drink. Ok, “As of late” is a bit of bullshit but I believe my alcohol intake is proceeding at a an appropriate rate in conjunction with the likelihood that we are all going to die in WW3 and/or the integrity of everything we’ve always known will simply end. Yes, this is one of those inspirational, positive-thinking blogs that you’ll reference on your down days. Hehe.

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Everyone drinks enough Jager to get a rebate check, right? This is an actual rebate check from Jager to me. Now ya feel me?

As a coping mechanism to the current climate (both literal and figurative reference to climate… see what I did there?) I drink and I also make fun of drinking. Both seem to help. I also blog and have hobbies blah blah blah… jager. Remember at the end of a work day when we used to go to happy hour? We were… happy! We went with friends and talked about weird people at work or how we weren’t getting paid enough etc and had fun. Now we go to happy hour to avoid curling up under our desk in the fetal position and ugly crying.

My friends have been kind enough to go along for the ride with me on my attempt to ride a comedic roller coaster of referencing alcohol use as a distraction and diversion from having real daily conversations about actual goings on. We can save those for weekly, at best, at this point, lest we don’t run through the streets screaming.

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People I know text me “Jager Sighting” shots from around the world and no one ever even includes a statement other than where it is. I call these my “Postcards from Jager”. This one is courtesy of Walking-Dead-loving lawyer from PA who has seen me at my “best” in several conference settings.  Thanks Georgia-lawyer-lady for always helping me find Jager at the conferences.  #Priorities You’re my favorite even though you’re prettier than me! #Andrea 

The amount of completely horrifying incoming reality is so overwhelming that it’s hard to figure out where to start. At times it feels like the very fiber of our world might be in jeopardy, and for once that’s not an exaggeration but maybe even an understatement?

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This morning, for example, the first thing I read was about cutting aid to Palestine. Apparently this is supposed to force other people to pay “their share” since we “get nothing out of it.” I almost couldn’t read the article, but given that I teach classes about both Palestine and Economics I needed to read it. The logic behind this cut is well, not logical. It’s completely counter intuitive. So even if you’re in the “take care of our own first!” school of nationalism this cut will not end with your desired outcome. But it makes that group feel good so who cares about real outcomes? I do. Legitimately this one, inaccurately executed and inhumane act is going to haunt me heavily for days, maybe longer… Jager. My shock and grief over that decision prompted my first world-news related post in quite some time. Buckle up!

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Here is a grossly understated list of only the first general items that come to mind that are increasing alcohol sales (and will soon boost the Massachusetts economy with recreational marijuana sales):

Job creation: Coal is gone. It’s gone. Learn a new trade, or you will soon be on welfare (which you may have supported eliminating so you’ll be homeless). #RealTalk You are betting on the wrong horse, trust me on this one.

AI: Artificial intelligence is already here folks. They can tell us it won’t take any jobs for 50 years but it’s already taken thousands. You can’t stop progress.  Teach your kids STEM or Chinese or Healthcare or strategic thinking. (hint: Not coal) When we no longer needed blacksmiths it was ok because they transferred their physical skills into something else physical. Physical skills do not transfer to intellectual skills, this is different do not ignore reality. I listened to an AI specialist recently demonstrate that 2/3 of claims adjuster tasks can be replaced by cheap AI within 3 years. THREE YEARS. This is not the future, this is now! We are currently unpreparing our country… I don’t even think unpreparing is a word.. but it will be now. #COAL-FTW!

The new tax bill: If you don’t get how this is hurting you and your country too bad… I don’t feel like explaining it until I have to for my students.

Climate Change: Fuck it, this will impact my grandchildren but not me so YOLO!  (I wonder if that’s the defense behind doing nothing or if we are still going with the Chinese conspiracy thing?). #IceInTexas #HurricaneSeasonNeverEnds

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Recommended dinner combo after watching a documentary on climate change. #HeyMotherNature—Bye

Immigration: There’s enough room for everyone. No one is stealing your job. Math shows us that immigrants have improved the economy. I know, math is hard! What would Jesus do? Seriously STFU you know what Jesus would do. But hey, fuck logic AND math AND Jesus, right?… if you’re anti-immigration, we all know why. WE. ALL. KNOW. WHY.

Russia: What the fuck?

North Korea: When the most insane dictator in the world, hands down, decides to have diplomatic peace talks with his enemy… then another insane dictator-in-training moves into first place #MakeNorthKoreaGreatAgain

Did I mention that Jager also often comes with free gifts? It keeps on giving! This is a fish eye lens for a smartphone and a smartphone speaker. Jager, Not just for blacking out anymore.  

Gun Control: Are we honestly arguing about this? We have a right to guns. Guns ok for people who aren’t violent or insane. Anybody? Beuller? #NRAStartsPretendArguments

Journalism: Journalism is what keeps us out of dictatorships. History proves that anti-journalist investments are a critical step on the path to dictatorship and eventually genocide and/or world wars. Yet here we are basking in it. History is about to repeat itself, except this time it will include red hats, Kentucky fried chicken, American flag tank tops, mayonnaise, as we slowly lose all of our rights and products/services we need to survive. JAGER

Nationalism: Nationalism is the leading cause of world wars and mass destruction. Try to pry your Dorito-filled ass out of your recliner, limp over to your laptop and do some research that doesn’t involve Facebook or memes. If something says “Truth” or “Anti-Veterans” this is a definitive sign that you are not doing actual research. But you already know that… real research is hard and might result in someone else having access to elite items that only you deserve like healthcare or food. Now run out to Costco and grab as much as you can before the immigrants try to take it from you! #DefineDeserve #INeed3GiantSUVs

postcards come one

Minimum Wage: I say increase it as much as you want. It will accelerate AI and eliminate a shit ton of jobs that don’t require education. We might as well accelerate the inevitable right? Won’t affect me, other than making my life easier, will it affect you? I don’t like interacting with people in transactional situations, so dealing with a kiosk and a drone works for me. The gap between the haves and the have-nots will get bigger, and the have-nots will have nowhere to turn since they, ironically, voted to eliminate social programs for losers. So it’s only a matter of time before there are only “haves” and the pesky have-nots don’t exist. Real enough for you yet? Enjoy… JAGER.  “Alexa, Send Crab Legs via Drone. Thank you.”

Mental Health: If the president doesn’t have to worry about it, why should we? #StableGenius

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Hotel fridge from a business trip in Orlando. The TSA in Boston had a good laugh about this one. “Are you having a party?” Sure… let’s go with that.

Military Families and Veterans: Everyone please stop using them as a tool for your arguments. All sides. Stop exploiting them. It’s disgusting. It’s also very transparent and indicative to a lack of substance or intelligence.

So what have we learned today? Cliff Notes:

  • Marie Christine has waited too long to comment on the world and clearly her anger has built up because of that.
  • Jager helps.
  • The world has gone to shit and people only seem to care about incendiary buzz phrases like “take care of our own” or “hurting military families”. #IRememberWhenFactsMattered
  • Just when you think it won’t get any worse it does.
  • That awkward moment when you couldn’t care less that the president paid off a porn star to silence her because it’s the least immoral thing in the news today. I’ll take 4 porn stars in exchange for some UN funding for Palestine. Ok 10 porn stars. Please?
  • We learned that if you say something is true over and over, people will believe it even if it’s not. Especially if they say exercise is bad for you and immigrants are stealing your KFC money.

My one hope is that all of this will be as symbolic as past nationalism has been. We will be over-taken by stronger, more ethical, countries that have global visions and will be forced to transform and evolve, rather than devolve. It’s just too bad that our lifetimes are the ones impacted by the transition. Extra points from St. Peter if you’re on the right side of history! Are you ready to tell him what you said/did? I am… Until then… JAGER

Let’s end this with a fun one…

This is Not-Tom-Brady at a bar in 1999 with the “Jager Girls”. Awwww NTB!

#GoldIsFromAliens

 

8 thoughts on “Postcards from Jager…”

  1. Jagermiester is poison. Seriously. I could write a long comment about how I agree with everything you wrote, or I could just write about Jager. At my worst, Jager was my favorite drink. Every night out included shots (except those nights I wanted to stay ahead and then I just took a flask). I gave up the Jager about fifteen years before I gave up alcohol. I thought if I could get the jager out of the mix, I’d be OK.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Marie Christine, where to begin? It sounds like the best thing for you might be a personal fact-finding tour of the midwest. I was going to add the south, but that might be too much for your first pass. You will surely be surprised to find that some who disagree with you on some of these things are not actually complete morons. And if the experience goes badly, we have Jaeger here too. 🙂
    Also, this comment will entitle you to one free rant in the combox of my blog tomorrow wherein this conservative grabs ahold of the electrified rail that is Donald Trump. Perhaps I am a complete moron after all.

    Like

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