Permanent Record…

2 blog posts in one week?! It’s Christmas in August! Actually, my youngest daughter is away at 4H overnight camp. Let’s just say that there are very few things that create any emotion in the brain of Marie Christine, but Gigi is one of them. If I don’t stay completely occupied I drift off into thoughts of her lying in her cabin bed at night, cold, terrified and crying out for us. So, “lucky” you get a double blog week as I try to stay occupied.  Hooray!

Let’s talk about the fact that anything we say or do today is pretty much a permanent record.  Thanks to the internet, screen shots, texts, emails, Facebook, you name it. The internet always remembers. Your ex-girlfriend always remembers (ha). I can’t even imagine some of the things that I said when I was younger…. Heck even last week.  I do know two things.  1. I thank god every day that there was no internet when I was in my 20’s.  Thank you kind and merciful Jesus.  2. I’m deliberate about what I put out there now… mostly… except when I drink and blog when my daughter is crying in a dark theoretical cabin.

If you are easily offended (are the cool kids calling that a “snowflake” now? I’m confused…) you should stop reading here. Real talk… engage.

Tomi Lahren, TV personality and…? Not sure what else.  You all know I don’t like radicals.  Left radicals, right radicals… I don’t like you. Radicals start wars, not productive revolutions like they think they do.  Their egos are their driving forces, which is the opposite of revolutionaries, k?  Since Tomi’s so young I actually feel sorry for her. Her legacy is going to be embarrassing, at best, and isolating at least. As a mother I want to have a side bar like hun, we need to talk, this is the ghost of Christmas future and future you has some bad habits and some pretty major hair loss issues so…

After Jesse Williams’ speech at the BET awards she said:

“If the [black] victim ended up being unarmed, it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying.” Tomi Lahren

So… any black person who doesn’t have a gun has either tried, or thought about trying, to obtain one? Oh hellllllllllllll no. Tomi, a shit-ton of women out there are pretty, you need to come up with something else… tick tock goes your clock. Permanent Record.

When asked about Climate Change:

“I talk to a lot of Democrats about that. They’re like, ‘But it’s freezing, and then it’s hot!’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah it’s called weather. That’s what happens.”  Tomi Lahren

I feel sorry for her that in Douche-Town USA wherever she went to high school they didn’t teach them the difference between climate and weather, and that maybe her mother (guessing here) gets all of her news updates from her Sorority Newsletter. Second, you aren’t talking to a lot of democrats, and if you did none of them said that. That was from a dream you had where people thought you were smart.  You’re awake now hun.  Science 1, Tomi 0 on the Permanent Record.

permanent jk tomi

JK Rowling Slays Twitter. Follow her if you want to see magic comebacks.

 

permanent war on xmas

Tomi takes on the real issues…

Real Talk: Melania Trump… just kidding. That poor woman has been through enough.  Although Melania, if you’re reading this the scowl at the inauguration speech and the deplane hand-slap will live on forever.  I hope your husband doesn’t have you deported when you leave him, but you might want to start planning just in case. Deplane hand slap: Permanent Record… thank you.

Hillary Clinton: Oh Hillary… I believe HC is brilliant. I hope she continues to have a role in politics. She has devoted her life to public service.  I think a lot of politicians forget that they are public servants.  But public service goes out the mother fricken window when you’re a woman scorned. Regarding her husband’s infidelity…

“Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody’s going to believe them.” Hillary Clinton

The old “she’s trash” argument is about as anti-feminist as you can get.  Get your shit together on this one HC. Remember the other women were also women scorned, and your response is on permanent record. Judge not lest ye be judged. Also just NO.

permanent nope

For Paul Ryan I’m not going to use a quote to express the permanency of the internet.  Rather a couple of photos. Remember these marketing photos from his run for VP with Mitt Romney? I do. They are still priceless.  He will have them to treasure when he retires and moves back to Fraggle Rock.

File this under: Things you can’t un-see

Jeff Sessions.  Tough to pick a favorite here.  When asked about the KKK in the 1980’s he said:

The KKK “…were OK until I found out they smoked pot.” Jeff Sessions

“Good people don’t smoke marijuana.” Jeff Sessions

Ok so I don’t smoke pot (although I have in the past a few times). Which is too bad since it’s legal to smoke, grow and sell where I live. I’m more of a booze person, as previously heavily referenced.  That said, he may not regret this statement but it’s just stupid. I also love it that pot is what turned him off from the KKK. He could let go the lynching, but at pot… the line was DRAWN. Permanent Record Kermit.

Let’s not leave out our celebrity friends (simmer down y’all I’ll get to Trump in a minute I swear… stay seated and do not panic).  Here are some fun ones:

“I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet”. David Beckham

When asked which newspapers she reads “Most of em, All of ‘em, and any of ‘em that have been in front of me over all these years.” Sarah Palin

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” Brooke Shields

“Stretchmarks are my biggest fear of life”. Kim Kardashian

Now for our finale if you will. Imagine if presidential succession was a fireworks display, we would be so AMPED with this finale!  I’m assuming the world ends during this presidency, hence the finale.  Let us begin:

Photos from November 2020 during the election.

 

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body” Donald Trump

If you haven’t read the back story on this, you must.  About 30 years ago, the co-editor of Spy Magazine, Graydon Carter, called Trump a “short-fingered vulgarian”.  As per usual, Donald is unable to get past it (a key leadership quality). For years Carter states that he still gets envelopes from Trump with photos of him, circling his hands in comparison to others as proof that this insult is not true.  This story is fascinating.  The quote above is both confusing and entertaining.  PERMANENT RECORD, thankfully for us.

Trump believes exercise is bad for people. I can’t even… so feel free to read one of the many articles on it: Click Here to see the worst excuse anyone has ever given to avoid exercise

permanent grab

 

“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” Donald Trump

permanent take that

Oh yes, give me some of that Spanx restricted big belly. They were ALL into you, and everyone knows it.

“My IQ is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.” Donald Trump

“Despite the constant negative press covfefe” Donald Trump

“Eventually we’re going to get something done and it’s going to be really, really good.” Donald Trump

permanent fox screen shot

Award for best Fox News Alert statement ever?

“Look at my African American over here!” Donald Trump at a campaign rally June 3, 2016.  

“There has to be some form of punishment…” Donald Trump on women who have abortions.

permanent trophy

Finally, an attack on the Pope… is anyone out of scope?

“For a religious leader to question a person’s faith is disgraceful. I am proud to be a Christian. If and when the Vatican is attacked by ISIS, which everyone knows is ISIS’ ultimate trophy, I can promise you at the Pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been the President because this would not have happened.” Donald Trump in response to this quote from Pope Francis: “a person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian”.

Soooo much to say here.  First, Donald is saying that the Pope is wrong about interpreting who/what defines Christianity.  I’m not super knowledgeable here but isn’t that the Pope’s primary gig? Like for the entire planet?  Second, don’t you love people who refer to themselves in the third person? I know I do. Hey Not-Tom-Brady, Marie Christine would like grilled cheese for dinner tonight, ok?

I’ve also found out, according to about 10 minutes of research, that the following people/groups are Losers.  I can only imagine how enlightened I would be if I kept looking!  Please read so that you won’t accidently relate to, or worse yet become, a loser, especially one on permanent record…

Erick Erickson, Rosie O’Donnell, Sheen Monnin, People without egos, George Will, Online magazine “Salon”, Tim O’Brien, Roger Stone, Richard Belzer, Michael Forbes, Glenfiddish Scotch, Karl Rove, Lord Sugar, Gradydon Carter, Bill Maher, Angelo Carusone, Mark Cuban, Ana Navarro, Michelle Malkin, Danny Zuker, Elderly women who sue him, People who tweet he wears wigs, Alex Salmond, Seth Meyers, Paul Goldberger, Frank Luntz, Russell Brand, Jonah Goldberg, Charles Krauthammer, John McCain and  Chuck Todd are all Losers.

What’s the saddest thing about the fact that we are spiraling into a pre-apocalyptic nightmare?  Consensus is that this all happened because of One. Single. Dinner.  As evidenced here: For once it’s actually true THANKS OBAMA!

Click Here for New Yorker Article

Click Here for Video

permanent thanks obama

Jesus was a Republican

Since I left Facebook (best decision I’ve made since quitting smoking, both were bad for my health), I generally get my news from Twitter where I follow several news organizations on all sides of the globe and all sides of the political fence. Wait, a globe is round, therefore it doesn’t have sides… and a fence only has 2 sides… never mind.

I don’t follow any extremist websites of any kind because I don’t drink Kool-Aid unless I mix it myself.

Jesus Kool Aid

I wouldn’t call myself a devoted religious person. I attended church when I was very little for a brief time. It was the Episcopal Church. I remember it as welcoming, friendly and open minded. In Sunday school we discussed general principles like The Golden Rule and, what we would refer to today as, Global Citizenship. I also remember them giving us lilacs on Easter Sunday which I thought was pretty amazing. Someone would just GIVE me a flower! For free! To this day I plant lilacs outside of my window wherever I live. I never thought about why until this very minute, but there seems to be a connection there.

Jesus Episcopalians

I find religion fascinating for many reasons. I’ve mentioned before that I recently started teaching an Arabic Business Strategy class and have learned a great deal about Islam and the Muslim philosophies in that endeavor. It’s truly intriguing. I’m equally fascinated by Catholicism and all other world religions. I’m interested in how/when they formed. What their basic principles are. How their members view the religion. How outsiders view the religion. How religion brings peace as often as it brings conflict. That last part is the most compelling to me. The more I learn about world religions, the more I want to know.

I also find “Faith” in general to be one of the most interesting things about religion. I don’t have faith in anything. That’s not an attempt to be shocking; it’s just the reality of how I live my life. I do believe that everything happens for a reason (even though it’s REALLY annoying when something bad happens to you and someone says that). I do believe there is more to existence than what we see, physically, in front of us. But, if I see someone with a “faith” tattoo, it’s a good general clue that we will likely never drink bourbon and watch Netflix together. Unrelated: I also really like Faith Hill’s music, but I don’t think that counts.

Jesus Faith MLK

What fascinates me is the blind “faith” of devout religious people. Over the years I’ve found MANY people who will tell me that they have complete faith in Jesus, or whoever their god is. That they trust in “his” judgment and direction. These people seem much happier than I ever will be, to be honest. If I’m being really honest, I’m generally not what I’d call a happy person. I think temporary bouts of contentment are probably my best case scenario. Hence, my interest in those with “faith” because this seems to make them very happy.

That said, in 100% of the times I’ve asked, those same faithful people have always disagreed with at least one portion of their Bible or their Koran etc. I find it hard to understand how you can have blind faith in “the word” and then have well BUT not ABC because XYZ.

The XYZ is many things. Well, I don’t believe in stoning children when they speak out of turn because that portion was written in a different time. A different time? Don’t the rules of god apply at all times? If not, how do we know when to let stoning children drop off the list? How do we know it’s cool to use birth control now without going to hell? Was there a memo? In my experience the general response is that “the church” has decided…

Jesus Cool Story Bro

I’ve asked these questions of Pastors and Rabbis and students. As always, there is no definite answer. Cafeteria Catholics seem to be a symptom of our evolution. I’ll get in line for Jesus. I’ll slide my tray down the line and grab The Golden Rule with a side of Not Laying with my Neighbors Wife, but I’ll leave the stoning children and no birth control on the shelf. Jesus won’t mind because XYZ. Talked to my minister and he’s all… it’s cool it’s just birth control, but don’t be gay because that one is still hell-worthy. I’ll let you know if it gets dropped off the list.

Jesus cafeteria

Jesus H. Christ, what was my point?! (I obviously left blasphemy on the shelf today too… my bad). I can’t find anything in 27 years of religious philosophical conversation and research that indicates that Jesus was a Republican. The Republican claim on Christianity is entirely confusing. There is this sense in the current political climate that the GOP upholds Christian values, with an undertone that the Dems are trying to destroy it.  Huh?

So for the sake of argument, let’s say that Jesus doesn’t mind now if you don’t stone your kids or if you let your wife speak before she’s spoken too… he’s all good with that now because XYZ. Let’s say he cares about the big stuff like abortion, divorce, sex before marriage, using birth control and being gay.

I would argue that Republicans get divorced, have sex before marriage and use birth control. In theory I suppose they are less likely to have an abortion, and perhaps are more likely to oppose gay rights/gay marriage. Republicans also seem more likely to oppose immigration from Middle Eastern countries and to oppose Islam/Muslim religion.

Here are a few Jesus GOP related spoilers for you:

  • Jesus was not Republican
  • Jesus was Middle Eastern. Yup, not only was Jesus brown, but if he were alive today he would be under the U.S. travel ban. Just a reminder, the people that the GOP doesn’t want in the country are the same nationality as Jesus, who is the person that you say you will follow faithfully. (Hint: You aren’t following Jesus and you’re not hiding it well)
  • Jesus was a Jew. Wait… what? Now that’s a head scratcher.
  • One of Jesus’s main jams was that the worse a person’s situation, the more important that it is to help that person. Americans love to act as if HOW the person got into a bad situation matters. You know who it doesn’t matter to? You guessed it, your buddy Jesus. Turn away the poor, the sick, those in need and you are telling Jesus… Nope! Sorry dude I’ll follow you in theory but this actual following you is SO HARD! By the way do you know where the cafeteria is?

Jesus Carter

Here’s my point (yes I’m FINALLY getting to what might be a coherent point…) Republicans do not hold the Christianity Card. If the basic premise of the Christian religion is to sacrifice for those in need… I would argue that Christianity is a bipartisan concept.

—————–

The opposite of Jesus’s message, is Nationalism. I repeat, the opposite of Jesus’s message… is Nationalism.

—————–

Jesus Nationalism

 

Everything is Totally Fine

You know when everything is not fine?  When someone says everything is fine.  If someone says they are fine, or tells you that something you did was fine, run.  Run like the wind.

everything dog fire

For the last few months, I’ve had my everything-is-fine face and everything-is-fine reaction down to a science.  I’ve always walked the earth with RBF (resting bitch face), but I do consider myself a friendly person.

Fine-and-deflect is the tactic for 2017.  “How was your weekend, did you guys end up going to out to dinner?”  Me: “It was fine co-worker person, and yours?”.  Lather, rinse and repeat.

everything dog fence

So far my blog posts are falling into two categories: State of Life At the Moment & The Life and Times of Marie Christine.  Now, the State of Life At the Moment posts are not deliberately political, but given the current.. you know… world.. it’s nearly impossible to avoid.  Reason for stating this: My blog is not intended to be political… but such is life at the moment.

As it were, everything is not fine.

I just heard that we are supposed to get an evil amount of snow over the next couple of days.  As some of you know, and as my friend James recently put it… where I live we “go to war with winter” every year.  We live in the city, on a very busy 3 lane road.  That road has a sidewalk that we are required to maintain.  That maintenance includes snow removal.

Picture a city with frequent multi-foot snowfalls.  Picture a busy 3 lane city street.  Picture gigantic state-owned plows for 12 hours straight putting snow from 3 lanes of roadway onto a sidewalk already covered in over a foot of snow.  At times, the snow is over Not-Tom-Brady’s 6ft tall body.  The snow is heavy, ice filled and almost immovable.  We can’t hire anyone to deal with it, because there’s nowhere for them to put the snow.  We go to WAR with this snow.  Update: Our snow blower is broken.  Not-Tom-Brady just went out to buy 3 shovels.  My 14 year old daughter, or “the tall one” as I call her, will be shoveling as well.  Welcome to the jungle baby….  Everything is fine.

everything snow

When considering that DJT could leave this earth for the 5th circle of hell, leaving Mike Pence as the leader of the free world, I refer back to something my mother told me a couple of months ago that she’d heard somewhere else.  “Donald Trump is the rapist and Mike Pence is the judge who let him go free.”  This is obviously deeply disturbing, but at the same time, I think I’m ok with the judge if I have to pick between the two.  That said, some of you might be familiar with this week’s latest real-news revelation that falls into the “everything is fine” wheelhouse.

Apparently VP Pence has been quoted as saying that he will not eat alone with any woman but his wife.  He also avoids events that serve alcohol if his wife is absent.  He cited his Christian Faith as the reason.  Now… I’m not as versed in Christianity as some but I’m pretty sure that Christians are totally allowed to eat dinner with non-spouses and are definitely allowed to drink alcohol.  It would seem that our potential future president is unable to control himself, sexually, when his wife is not present to police him.  Sadly, I will still take “the judge” because “the rapist’s” impulse control is even worse. Everything is fine.

everything limerick

Paul Ryan.  I expected more from you.  Your existence used to give me hope that there was a chaperone at the frat party.  Now, not so much.  Duuuuuuuuuuuude COME ON.  I had no idea that you would turn into this person, or is this who you always were? Everything is fine.

everything ryan

Hey poor people, did you try selling your iPhones? 

North Korea just threatened John McCain for calling Kim Jon Un “crazy fat kid”.  Everything is fine.

Number of new jobs in coal: 0

Jobs created in government positions for:  Ivanka, Ivanka’s Husband Jared, Kellyanne Conway’s Husband in the DOJ.  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?  Everything is fine.

Russia.  Seriously y’all I don’t know what’s going on, but everyone agrees that something is.  Investigate.  Report.  Handle.  I must admit “The Americans” is one of my favorite prime time shows right now.  But I don’t like it enough to be all.. yea Russia it’s cool…  Everything is fine.

everything boris

The BBC reported more than 3,600 cases of measles in Italy and Romania and 17 measles related deaths.  Anti-vaxxers, stop being D-bags at the expense of the health of your children and the children of others.  Your selfishness will be your legacy.  Everything is fine.

I recently started teaching a class that includes Arabic business strategy. If you want to become completely disillusioned with the state of humanity, I suggest you start teaching in depth study of the 22 Arabic nations. My flask from my prior blog post is now coming in handy.  I used to think my race relations teacher at UMASS was an alcoholic… now I know why.  Everything is fine.  #Yemen

everything spiral

We did recently have a slight glimmer of hope amidst the land of half empty glasses.  Democrat and Republican leaders stepped up to shoot down the repeal and replace of the Affordable Care Act, once it became clear that 24 million people would lose coverage.  Now mind you, I’m one of the people who now pays twice as much for health insurance and has half the coverage.  Even from this vantage point I still know that innocent Americans should not die so that I can have a lower copay %.

everything guurrll

To those who disagree, what happened to “Take Care of Our Own First?”  If you mean that, then prove it by supporting healthcare coverage for “our own”.  If you don’t, then STFU for real and stop saying that. What you mean is Take Care of Our Own First As Long as It Doesn’t Affect Me.   Put down your hot pocket and shut it.  Everything is fine.

everything covered

I’m going to be putting my house on the market in a month or so.  My realtor (Hey Dave!) and I discussed the approximate value of the house.  He’s more optimistic than me about what we can get for it.  I’m trying to think positive, but I’m Gen X so that’s not really my jam.  So, if it sells for something between what he thinks it’s worth and what I think it’s worth… after realtors fees and paying off the mortgage, I will have about $150 to spare.  With that much leeway, what could go wrong?

Then when I sell I should easily be able to find the perfect home, in the perfect location, in my price range and have a closing the same week as my house sale closing.  Right?  If not, it will probably be incredibly easy for me to find a temporary rental for 2 adults, 2 children, 2 dogs, a cat and a beta fish.  This should be very easy… and remember I’ll have that $150 to handle any unexpected expenses.  Stay tuned!  Everything is fine.

everything house

This has been a message from the Gold is From Aliens broadcast system.  Stay Tuned for less political, but still likely sarcastic and pessimistic, upcoming posts from the life and times of Marie Christine.

everything yell

On a Scale from 1 to Even… I. Can’t. Even.

Heavens to Betsy! I have never actually used that phrase but today it seems like a good time to start. So, Betsy DeVos put out a press release about black colleges. She used the origin of black colleges as a success story example for school choice. What I don’t think Lady Antebellum understands is that they were created due to a LACK of choice, also known as segregation.

In case you don’t have a computer, or a newspaper, or eyes, or ears or a brain, I wanted to let you know that Donnie JT’s daughter is JEWISH. He’s only said it about 1500 times in the past several days, so I’m not sure if that was quite enough to get the message across. The secondary message here is that since he’s related to someone who has been Jewish for 30 seconds, this shields him from any possibility of any racial or religious bias. PHEW. I was worried for a minute but this seems to really clear things up, no? I wonder if she will convert BACK once her dad legalizes marriage between immediate family members?

even-ivanka-quote

Some of the top news stories on 3/1 were congratulatory articles on the Dictator of the United States’ address to Congress. This is a quote from USA Today “he did not relitigate the election results, he did not assail the media (much), and he did not call anybody names”. Is it me or does this read like a 4th grade report card? Dear Mr. & Mrs. Drumph, Donnie is doing SO much better. He didn’t sexually assault anyone at school today and instead of yelling “build a wall!” at his Mexican classmates he just wrote it down in his notebook. We are so proud that he almost managed to follow the basic rules of human civility for a full school day!

Red-Tie-McGee announced that he will delay his visit to the UK “because of fears of the huge public anger he would face were he to arrive in the country within the next few months…” (businessinsider.com). I guess dodging the draft worked, so dodging and entire country should too. This guy is not afraid of ISIS but he’s afraid of London? I’m just going to leave that one right there.

even-trump-quote

Remind me, how many days has it been?

While we are a deeply divided and un-united states right now, I think one of the things that most people agree on is supporting our troops. Even those who oppose the war(s) still support our troops. We have come a long way since Vietnam and the shameful treatment of those soldiers.

It seems possible that King Joffrey Trump may now know where Yemen is on a map. Excellent! Considering that he’s unable to articulate the current Israeli/Palestinian conflict, I’m pretty sure he’s not keyed in on what’s up in Yemen. I mean he has no time to bone up on his knowledge given the late night binge eating (thank you Spanx!) and binge tweeting and the refusing to read those really wordy intelligence reports (or to have them read to him).

even-joffrey

We are all upset about the death of U.S. Navy SEAL Ryan Owens. Here is a starter list of Things NOT to do in this situation when you have been “elected” President of the United States:

• Do not blame the prior President for a military action you authorized.
• Do not blame the Generals carrying out the military action you authorized.
• Do not make up a story about why the fallen soldier’s father will not speak to you.
• When the fallen soldier’s father clarifies his reason, don’t double down on contradicting him.
• Do not blame the military unit for the soldier’s death.
• Do not use the fallen soldier’s widow as an applause generator.
• When a crowd gives a standing ovation for Owen and his widow, DO NOT respond by saying that you think you just broke a standing ovation record. P.s. Your obsession with size and duration is gross and inappropriate.

even-blame-obama

Is anything good? Yep:

• Barbara Pierce Bush (Daughter of GW) headlined a Planned Parenthood fundraiser in North Texas this week.

• It got up to 60 degrees in Massachusetts, USA this week (downside, probably due to climate change)

• Solid research shows that Millenials care about facts. Hope for the future exists.

• Michelle & Barack Obama just agreed two write two or more books for Penguin Random House. The $65m contract has broken every existing record. (Crowds await the “Presidential” response to being told an Obama has broken a book deal record).

• “24 Legacy” is almost as good as the original “24”.

• Kayla Rae Norton and Jose Ismael Torres were sentenced to 35 years combined. Respect the real flag a$$holes. Can’t wait to hear how prison works out for y’all.

• Jackie Evancho sang the National Anthem at the recent Presidential Inauguration. It turns out she has a transgender sister, and positioned herself in the spotlight to bring awareness to her sister’s battle with a Pittsburg-area school board. A federal judge just ruled in her sister’s favor. The self-proclaimed brilliant strategist didn’t see that one coming. You go girls!

Last public service announcement for today: Gold is from Aliens, but vaccines are from earth. Check out this website (I beg of you, open the link BEFORE you comment… thank you kind reader): www.HowDoVaccinesCauseAutism.com

even-resist

2017 and the Return of the Flask

Each New Year we have the opportunity to reflect back on the prior year.  We try to learn from our mistakes.  We try to find optimism in the fresh start of a new calendar.

4 years ago, after 25 years, I quit smoking. TWENTY-FIVE Years!  This is hard to believe since that would mean I must have started smoking as a toddler (wink).  Still going strong.  Smoke Free since January 1, 2013.  The new calendar brings new possibilities. 

So begins 2017.  I’m healthier and ….. on an anxiety rollercoaster…

… enter the Flask

Remember flasks?  Back in the day dudes everywhere carried flasks.  I used to think geez, what’s the deal buddy?  You can’t make it between your house and the bar without having a back pocket full of booze?  2017 appears, and finally I get it.  I’m a 44 year old, white collar, female with 2 good jobs and a happy family, and I GET IT.

Here are just SOME of the reasons that I went on eBay and searched “pink flask”…

Campbell’s Soup changed their Chicken and Stars recipe. Remember those delicious little tiny stars? They are now abominations… giant puffy star outlines.  It says “Classic Recipe” on the label, which is a total #AltFact, and I had no idea that #AltFacts would mess with my soup. Campbell’s should be ashamed of themselves.

soup-can

soup-bowl

Thanks to the notorious DJT, Not all human beings in the “United” States have the right to use public bathrooms.  This sounds soooooooo familiar.  So they CAN use the bathroom it just has to be a different bathroom?  Why does this sound so familiar?  Oh riiiiiiight, segregation.  Segregation is cool again? I must have missed that memo.  Fact: It’s not about bathrooms now, just like it wasn’t about drinking fountains then.  

It’s now okay for coal companies to dump waste into our waterways.  Yay!  Wait… is that bad?  It’s so hard to figure out if that’s good or bad isn’t it? Dumping toxic waste into water…. Hmmm… I’m stumped!

Monopoly decided to stop making the “thimble”.  There was allegedly an online vote. I call voter fraud, or this is just an indication that all voting in 2016 was complete bull$hit.

flask-monopoly-and-emoji

It was so cool when we finally decided NOT to be complete a$$holes and stopped the pipeline going through Native American sacred land!  Then it was not awesome when DJ Trump decided to reverse that and blast right through it.  Latest Update: The additional pipelines approved near Mexico are also through Native American sacred ground.  Go USA!  #WeAreTheWorst

That awkward moment when you elect a President so he will bring back manufacturing jobs, and he admits on day 32 that he means white collar manufacturing jobs, not working-class jobs… then he suggests that if you don’t like it you should go to college or get over it.  Queue room full of rich cabinet members laughing their a$$es off.  Queue Trump Supporter hearing The-Price-Is-Right music you hear when you spin the wheel and it’s a lower number than the other contestant.  Bee boo boo boo… wahhhhhhhh.

white-laughing

Hiring a known EPA adversary to run the EPA.  Whaaaat? When Park Rangers start rising up, you know $hit just got real.  PARK RANGERS.  The guys and gals who like to breed fish and look at trees growing are angry enough start a resistance movement. 

Headline looks great: Ivanka Trump lobbying for $500m childcare credit for Americans! YES!  FINALLY!  Fine print: Credit is for dual income, high earners.  It’s fine because the title SOUNDS great.  That’s what matters, right? Dear DJT supporters, please start reading past the first line… I beg of you… please.   TBH, he’s not  hurting me, he’s hurting you… and even I’m not cool with it.

Jeff Sessions just directed the Bureau of Prisons to return to its previous approach of the use of Private Prisons.  Not shocking from someone deemed “too racist” to hold a high court position.  Dear Mr. Sessions, may you come back in the next life as a slave in Somalia.   

flask-burns

Actual candid picture of Jeff Sessions (I’m 99% sure the creator of the Simpsons approves this message)

Yesterday, Betsy DeVos, our new Secretary of Education, addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference. She opened with a joke about the free lunch program.  It’s super classy to joke about the fact that that millions of children need free lunch at school because they otherwise will not eat.  As a billionaire heiress, I can see why this would be amusing to her.  She worked so hard to get rich (aka she was born, being born is HARD!).   Betsy, go home, you’re drunk… and completely uneducated… oh sweet sweet irony.

Muslim Ban.  Not terrorist ban. Muslim Ban.  I think about the loss of my reproductive rights and the reproductive rights of my daughters. I think about climate change destroying our planet.  But what wakes me up at 2:00 am in a cold sweat is religious segregation.

It’s hard to picture Germans being “afraid” of Jews isn’t it?  We can’t visualize it as the same because Jews aren’t scary… to us.  They are our friends, neighbors and co-workers.  Here’s the thing, so are Muslims. (Side note: This is not different).

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Remember that final scene in “A Time to Kill” where Matthew McConaughey tells the story of the rape and murder of Samuel L. Jackson’s daughter?  The jury sits silently, straight faced, uninterested. Then he says:  Can you see her? Her raped, beaten, broken body soaked in their urine, soaked in their semen, soaked in her blood, left to die. Can you see her? I want you to picture that little girl. Now imagine she’s white.”  Only at that point, does the jury start to cry.  The scene is upsetting, but also compelling.  It gets to the heart of bias that is both in and out of our control.  No matter how you feel, it’s your actions that matter.

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Your actions will be your legacy.  Protect your legacy.    

You KNOW things have gone sideways when you wish Raymond Reddington was a real person so he could just get this taken care of.   Red… please rescue us.  In the meantime, I’ll be here with a back pocket full of booze.

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As always…. Gold is from Aliens.

We Both Wear Spanx… and other things I have in common with Donald Trump

 

You’re probably thinking to yourself, what could Marie Christine possibly have in common with Donald Trump? Well, the outspoken Werther’s Original and I actually have some unexpected overlap in interests, beliefs and activities.

– We both think we are right most of the time.

– We watch Saturday Night Live religiously.

– We agree that we want term limits for local and state government officials.

– We both wear Spanx, although he wears them far more often than me, from what I can tell.

– We would both be horrified if the people we work with saw our medical records.

– We don’t like leaving the house without make-up on.

– Neither of us was in the military.

– Related: We both avoided the draft during the Vietnam War (although for me it was because I was an infant)

– We LOVE us some fried chicken. Any day, anytime.

– Neither of us knows how to use Twitter properly, yet we keep trying, and continue to embarrass ourselves.

– We want restrictions on the impact of lobbyists on public policy.

– Neither of us did any due diligence in researching Michael Flynn’s credentials before he was hired. (Whoopsie)

– We make up nicknames for people we dislike.

– We are REALLY bad at geography.

– We love NYC.

– We binge watch TV in a bathrobe while everyone else is asleep.

But… only ONE of us knows where gold comes from.

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