2017 and the Return of the Flask

Each New Year we have the opportunity to reflect back on the prior year.  We try to learn from our mistakes.  We try to find optimism in the fresh start of a new calendar.

4 years ago, after 25 years, I quit smoking. TWENTY-FIVE Years!  This is hard to believe since that would mean I must have started smoking as a toddler (wink).  Still going strong.  Smoke Free since January 1, 2013.  The new calendar brings new possibilities. 

So begins 2017.  I’m healthier and ….. on an anxiety rollercoaster…

… enter the Flask

Remember flasks?  Back in the day dudes everywhere carried flasks.  I used to think geez, what’s the deal buddy?  You can’t make it between your house and the bar without having a back pocket full of booze?  2017 appears, and finally I get it.  I’m a 44 year old, white collar, female with 2 good jobs and a happy family, and I GET IT.

Here are just SOME of the reasons that I went on eBay and searched “pink flask”…

Campbell’s Soup changed their Chicken and Stars recipe. Remember those delicious little tiny stars? They are now abominations… giant puffy star outlines.  It says “Classic Recipe” on the label, which is a total #AltFact, and I had no idea that #AltFacts would mess with my soup. Campbell’s should be ashamed of themselves.

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soup-bowl

Thanks to the notorious DJT, Not all human beings in the “United” States have the right to use public bathrooms.  This sounds soooooooo familiar.  So they CAN use the bathroom it just has to be a different bathroom?  Why does this sound so familiar?  Oh riiiiiiight, segregation.  Segregation is cool again? I must have missed that memo.  Fact: It’s not about bathrooms now, just like it wasn’t about drinking fountains then.  

It’s now okay for coal companies to dump waste into our waterways.  Yay!  Wait… is that bad?  It’s so hard to figure out if that’s good or bad isn’t it? Dumping toxic waste into water…. Hmmm… I’m stumped!

Monopoly decided to stop making the “thimble”.  There was allegedly an online vote. I call voter fraud, or this is just an indication that all voting in 2016 was complete bull$hit.

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It was so cool when we finally decided NOT to be complete a$$holes and stopped the pipeline going through Native American sacred land!  Then it was not awesome when DJ Trump decided to reverse that and blast right through it.  Latest Update: The additional pipelines approved near Mexico are also through Native American sacred ground.  Go USA!  #WeAreTheWorst

That awkward moment when you elect a President so he will bring back manufacturing jobs, and he admits on day 32 that he means white collar manufacturing jobs, not working-class jobs… then he suggests that if you don’t like it you should go to college or get over it.  Queue room full of rich cabinet members laughing their a$$es off.  Queue Trump Supporter hearing The-Price-Is-Right music you hear when you spin the wheel and it’s a lower number than the other contestant.  Bee boo boo boo… wahhhhhhhh.

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Hiring a known EPA adversary to run the EPA.  Whaaaat? When Park Rangers start rising up, you know $hit just got real.  PARK RANGERS.  The guys and gals who like to breed fish and look at trees growing are angry enough start a resistance movement. 

Headline looks great: Ivanka Trump lobbying for $500m childcare credit for Americans! YES!  FINALLY!  Fine print: Credit is for dual income, high earners.  It’s fine because the title SOUNDS great.  That’s what matters, right? Dear DJT supporters, please start reading past the first line… I beg of you… please.   TBH, he’s not  hurting me, he’s hurting you… and even I’m not cool with it.

Jeff Sessions just directed the Bureau of Prisons to return to its previous approach of the use of Private Prisons.  Not shocking from someone deemed “too racist” to hold a high court position.  Dear Mr. Sessions, may you come back in the next life as a slave in Somalia.   

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Actual candid picture of Jeff Sessions (I’m 99% sure the creator of the Simpsons approves this message)

Yesterday, Betsy DeVos, our new Secretary of Education, addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference. She opened with a joke about the free lunch program.  It’s super classy to joke about the fact that that millions of children need free lunch at school because they otherwise will not eat.  As a billionaire heiress, I can see why this would be amusing to her.  She worked so hard to get rich (aka she was born, being born is HARD!).   Betsy, go home, you’re drunk… and completely uneducated… oh sweet sweet irony.

Muslim Ban.  Not terrorist ban. Muslim Ban.  I think about the loss of my reproductive rights and the reproductive rights of my daughters. I think about climate change destroying our planet.  But what wakes me up at 2:00 am in a cold sweat is religious segregation.

It’s hard to picture Germans being “afraid” of Jews isn’t it?  We can’t visualize it as the same because Jews aren’t scary… to us.  They are our friends, neighbors and co-workers.  Here’s the thing, so are Muslims. (Side note: This is not different).

flask-unamerican

Remember that final scene in “A Time to Kill” where Matthew McConaughey tells the story of the rape and murder of Samuel L. Jackson’s daughter?  The jury sits silently, straight faced, uninterested. Then he says:  Can you see her? Her raped, beaten, broken body soaked in their urine, soaked in their semen, soaked in her blood, left to die. Can you see her? I want you to picture that little girl. Now imagine she’s white.”  Only at that point, does the jury start to cry.  The scene is upsetting, but also compelling.  It gets to the heart of bias that is both in and out of our control.  No matter how you feel, it’s your actions that matter.

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Your actions will be your legacy.  Protect your legacy.    

You KNOW things have gone sideways when you wish Raymond Reddington was a real person so he could just get this taken care of.   Red… please rescue us.  In the meantime, I’ll be here with a back pocket full of booze.

flask

As always…. Gold is from Aliens.

We Both Wear Spanx… and other things I have in common with Donald Trump

 

You’re probably thinking to yourself, what could Marie Christine possibly have in common with Donald Trump? Well, the outspoken Werther’s Original and I actually have some unexpected overlap in interests, beliefs and activities.

– We both think we are right most of the time.

– We watch Saturday Night Live religiously.

– We agree that we want term limits for local and state government officials.

– We both wear Spanx, although he wears them far more often than me, from what I can tell.

– We would both be horrified if the people we work with saw our medical records.

– We don’t like leaving the house without make-up on.

– Neither of us was in the military.

– Related: We both avoided the draft during the Vietnam War (although for me it was because I was an infant)

– We LOVE us some fried chicken. Any day, anytime.

– Neither of us knows how to use Twitter properly, yet we keep trying, and continue to embarrass ourselves.

– We want restrictions on the impact of lobbyists on public policy.

– Neither of us did any due diligence in researching Michael Flynn’s credentials before he was hired. (Whoopsie)

– We make up nicknames for people we dislike.

– We are REALLY bad at geography.

– We love NYC.

– We binge watch TV in a bathrobe while everyone else is asleep.

But… only ONE of us knows where gold comes from.

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