No, you’re not…. starving

My daughter and I recently went to see Trevor Noah, the host of The Daily Show, do his stand up routine at The Wilbur in Boston, MA. We are hooked on his show so we were so excited to be there. He is a half-African, half-German from South Africa. He’s a super interesting person and also very intelligent and hilarious. I recently read his autobiography and it was fascinating.

About half way through the show he was talking about what it was like when he first moved to the U.S. He said he was getting ready to go out for take-out for dinner when his roommate said “Dude, I’m Starving”. He laughed and said “No no no……. you’re aren’t starving my friend, you’re hungry”. Growing up in South Africa in hard times, he knew what “starving” really was, and his friend was not experiencing it.

I find that we (Americans) tend to be overly dramatic, un-self-aware and lack a true gauge on suffering…. in many cases.  Dude I’m Staaaaaarving…. I haven’t eaten since my pancake breakfast at Burger King for $2.99 this morning I might die if I don’t eat.  Eye Roll.

“I’m having the worst day… ever”.  Are you? Is having hard meetings at your white collar job and maybe missing lunch or having a cold at the same time the worst day ever? If it is, I would like to transport into your life immediately because my worst day ever looks like Dante’s 5th Circle of Hell compared to your worst day ever.

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Don’t be confused, this is not a post about “snowflakes”. This is about conservatives, liberals, tea party, green party, catholics, jews, anyone…. this is for people who’ve lost self awareness and have adapted to this American sense of self-entitlement that is my official #1 pet peeve.

I need an SUV. I need 2 bathrooms. I need a bigger kitchen. I need high speed internet.  Seriously?  You NEED 2 bathrooms? I grew up in an environment with 1 bathroom and countless people in and out of the house and somehow we managed to survive! #NeverForget   You want an SUV. You want 2 bathrooms. You want a bigger kitchen. That makes sense.  Reach way back in time and think about your grandparents and parents… and think about need versus want.

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My daughter recently told me that she needs a new backpack because hers had a stain on it. She also needs a new lunchbox because hers broke… but her sister’s old one was at home. Did she NEED a new one? or did she want one that wasn’t her sister’s old one.  Duh, we know.  Could I get her a new lunch box? Of course. Did I? Of course not. I consider it my responsibility to train her to understand want versus need so she doesn’t grow up to be one of these people that drives me up a tree with the “need” …. ahhhhhhhhh.

Let’s move on to my favorite un-self-aware statement…. “I’m broke”.  The last person who said this to me has a house they bought in 1999 that is nearly paid off with a monthly payment of $850/month and they are about to pay off their mortgage. It’s safe to say they have about $350K in equity in this house.  i.e. At any time they can sell this house and make $350K.  Guys… no.  They also have a 401K with about 850K in it and enough money to pay their bills.  That said they have 10K in credit card debt because they like to go out to dinner, play golf and have nice clothes. I’m not judging… you do what you need to do it’s not my problem. BUT someone who had 350K home equity and 850K in a 401K is not “broke”.

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Do you know what “broke” looks like? “Broke” looks like going without lunch for 3 years so you can pay for your daughter’s after school program.  “Broke” looks like stealing underwear from KMart.  “Broke” looks like working at places that sell or serve food so you can skim (aka find a way to get some of that food for yourself).  “Broke” looks like selling blood plasma for pasta money.  “Broke” looks like mixing orange juice with water to make it last longer. “Broke” looks like stealing because you have no other choice. “Broke” looks like going without medication so your kids can have school supplies. If none of this sounds like you, stop saying you’re broke. It’s like a man saying they understand how it feels to be a woman or a regular citizen saying they know what it’s like to be in the military. Just stop. I know, I know, the word broke in itself is not the insult…. but just stop the conversation. You wouldn’t tell someone with diabetes you were just as sick as them if you had a cold… that’s what this is like. Please stop.

Is this what every person born into the working class who ends up working in a white collar environment has to deal with? Maybe. I spend a great deal of time pretending that I can relate to the horrors of white collar life, when secretly inside I’m thinking… this person is weak…. or this person is an idiot…. or this person has no idea about real life. Some of them could probably step up if needed, but you just can’t ever know. #RedneckPolice Am I also being a dick? I have no idea. I probably am. I can be “a bit much” as it were. But that’s ok. This is my fucking blog so… there you have it. I think people who haven’t suffered are weak, as a default. Can you blame me? Probably… I’ve heard I can be a bit much. I’m also on my 4th jager, obviously. But you already knew that.


One of the most common phrases that I suggest people avoid is “Nothing was ever handed to me”. This is legitimately true for some people. But it’s very rare. VERY rare. Did your parents pay for college? Did they help you pay for college? Then THAT was handed to you, ok? Did someone help you with your security deposit on your apartment? Your deposit on your home? THAT is something that was handed to you. There’s nothing wrong with taking it. I hope I can “hand” my children these types of things. But accepting these things excludes you from saying that nothing was ever handed to you. Has your parent/friend given you a recommendation or the name of someone to get your foot in the door somewhere? THAT is something that was handed to you. Yes we get it you are a super hard worker and you are amazing, but you’ve had things handed to you. If you can admit that, you’re on your way to self awareness.

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Saying “nothing was ever handed to me” seems innocent enough right? But saying this is insulting and to anyone who really hasn’t had anything handed to them. There are millions of people on earth who literally have nothing handed to them. They have to start from scratch, or beyond scratch, and fight against all odds to even be in the same room as you or in the same country or in the same meeting. If you had anything handed to you, please stop saying you didn’t, or that you had to work for everything you have.

Say you understand what it’s like to be in the military but you’ve never served? My friend E-GF would like 5 minutes alone with you in a closed room. Trust me, after that you will then gain a full understanding of the difference between you and someone who has served active duty in the military. Nothing compares to being on active duty other than being on active duty.

Say you understand what it’s like to have cancer because your xyz had cancer at some point? You don’t, my friend James would like to speak to you. No, You don’t know. Neither do I.

Oh you can relate to what Muslims in America are going through because someone you know was once an immigrant who is now totally ok? My grandparents and my father dealt with “Italians need not apply”. That was horrible. But a: that was not me it was them. b: It was not the same as religious persecutions. c: Muslims face something we can’t possibly understand unless you are one. If you’re not, shut it.

So…. I was going to write a blog today about some crazy/funny/intresting/depressing/real travel stories because I’m doing more business travel now than ever. But I have so much upcoming travel that I’m afraid I’ll publish and then my next trip will have the best story ever. So I’m going to try my best to wait until the end of the year to post that one.

In the meantime, you get this random rant about me being sick of people who think they are suffering but they aren’t. OR is this a post about me being unsympathetic to people’s perception of their own suffering? Is it me being a dick thinking my suffering makes me more aware than those who haven’t suffered? Probably the latter, but fuck it. This is who I am. And this is my blog so….

This rant has been brought to you by

I’m adding the following meme for no reason other than the fact that I love it so much and jager:

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Every girl…

I have a daughter who is about to turn 16. Life was very different when I was 16. VERY different. That said, there are some constants. There are some things that every girl needs to know. I want to think I can wait to admit these things or to communicate these things, but I know that’s not true. There are facts that every girl needs to know, whether it’s 1984 or 2018… #LifeIsBullshit

  • Never have a drink that you haven’t poured yourself or watched someone pour.
  • Never let anyone take a picture of you naked.
  • If he hits you once, he WILL hit you again.
  • If he says no to a condom, he’s not the one for you.unnamed (3)
  • Trust your instincts. Being polite can kill you…

Women tend to be polite. We don’t like to make people feel bad or to upset the normal flow of things. This is often what hurts us most. About 7 years ago I was grocery shopping at Big Y in Worcester, MA. I wheeled my cart into the parking lot when a man offered to help me with my groceries. I politely declined. He then insisted that he had time. I opened my trunk and he took a bag out of my cart and put it in my trunk. My women’s instinct was to smile and try not to be offensive. Unfortunately for him, my Marie Christine instinct was not so much.  I saw a man and his girlfriend across the parking aisle get into their truck.

To set the scene a bit, Worcester is  “townie” town. Have you seen “Good Will Hunting”? I would like to say that’s Hollywood BS but it’s actually very accurate. Anywho, I immediately scan the parking lot to calculate my options. I realize that electrician-looking-townie and girlfriend in pick up truck are my best bet. I wave to the man to wave him over. He looks confused. His girlfriend looks pissed. Who TF is that old lady waving you over?! I wave again, he points at himself, I nod. The normal looking but over-the-line man keeps putting my bags in my trunk. I wave again. Townie-electrician, confused, starts to walk over. His girlfriend, pissed and ready to fight me, follows.

They arrive at my car. My favorite thing about townies (I’m a townie so I’m allowed to trash talk myself) is that they/we are entirely predictable in a fight or flight situation. We fight. ALWAYS. Even if it’s not a good idea.  I look at electrician-townie-guy and girlfriend and say: This guy followed me to my car. I told him to leave and he won’t leave. He’s trying to hurt me.

Townie girlfriend changes from who-is-this-bitch mode to this-guy-is-going-down mode. Maybe-Electrician-Guy gets in trunk-weirdo’s face. Both he and his girlfriend get into it. They tell me to get into my car and leave and they will stay with trunk-weirdo for 5 minutes until I’m long gone. Moral of the story… what would have happened if I was polite? He would have gone away? I would still be in his basement tied to a pole? Not thrilled considering those options. Don’t be polite. Trust you instincts. Thank you Maybe-Electrician and Pissed-Off-Confused-Girlfriend.


  • Scream. As loud as you can.
  • Never go to a second location. If you are nervous AT ALL, never go to a second location. Ask around. Don’t.
  • Go for the eyes. Women have tendency to be maternal. Hurting someone’s eyes is permanent. Who cares. Go for the eyes. It’s you or him.

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  • Find a mom with kids.

I’ve always told my kids this. There is a really cool dvd for kids by John Walsh and I can’t remember the name of it right now and I’m too lazy right now to google it. Find a mom with kids. My kids got Sooooo sick of hearing me say this. One day, my youngest daughter was going to kindergarten for the first time. She was taking a school bus for the first time. She went to kindergarten a year early (because she insisted because she is so Gigi). They put her on the wrong bus and let her off at a random city bus stop. Her first thought “Find a mom with kids”. She ran to a mom with kids and told her she was lost. That mom called the school, and the school called me. I think this rule applies to anyone age 1 -101. If you’re in trouble, find a mom with kids. A mom with kids will take care of fucking business y’all. Trust me. This should probably be rule #1. MOM WITH KIDS.

  • Kindness is the most important thing. Everything else is a distant second.

It took me 40 years to figure this one out. You can seek out any other characteristic in a friend/lover/boss/peer/team member. But if they don’t ALSO have kindness, it’s never going to work out. Kindness is a baseline necessity. Democrat, Republican, Alien, Anarchist… if you start with kindness you’re more likely to succeed.

  • Too skinny is bad. Too fat is bad.
  • If your roommate/sister/mom/dog doesn’t like him… listen.
  • Pepper spray washes off, a cracked skull doesn’t. Don’t be afraid to use the tools you’ve been given. (see prior comment on trust your instincts/don’t be polite).

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This is probably my favorite GIF of all time. #BlondeMarieChristine

My oldest daughter recently asked me to teach her how to shoot a gun. I said “Fuck no!”. True story. I asked why? She said: “I don’t wan’t to be afraid of guns”. I said “If you aren’t afraid of guns, you shouldn’t be using them”. Granted, this is a tough one. I’ve recently inquired about reinstating my conceal carry permit that I let expire years ago. I’ve thought of having a rifle and just storing it in a location far from the actual bullets just in case Zombie Apocalypse (aka Trump Administration who the fuck knows).

Funny side story, my schedule didn’t sync up with the conceal carry class yet. In the meantime the teacher sent me an invitation to attend a “Ladies Conceal Carry Fashion Show”. I was like ahhhhh ok thanks but no. I’m not going to be a trendy 2nd amendment stomper… I’m going so I can blast douche bags like you if they try to get into my house… conceal and carry fashion show? What in the actual fuck? Will I even be able to attend this conceal carry class without getting stabby or just literally laughing in someone’s face? I honestly have no idea.

Anywho, I tried to explain to my daughter that you can’t teach people to be decisive or prepared. You either are or you aren’t. This goes back to my last blog a bit about whether I’m hurting my kids by not allowing them to suffer…  hmmmm.

I was thinking recently about the game “Perfection”. Have you ever played this game? You try to put plastic shapes into the corresponding spaces on a game board before a buzzer goes off. If you don’t make it in time, the board pops up and all of the pieces fly up into your face. I used to play this game with my daughter. Every time the pieces popped up she would scream and fall over. Even though she knew it was coming, she still couldn’t control her reaction. THIS is what I’m talking about. Either you scream when the pieces pop up, or you don’t. This is not something that can be learned once you’re past a certain age. I don’t scream… she does. My fault for not properly preparing her? Perhaps. But I digress… I do know what will happen if someone threatens me… it’s not a secret…


I still might get the hidden rifle, but there’s no way she’s going near it. I did get her some pepper spray. The first time I handed it to her I showed her how to use it, and while holding it she aimed it at my face accidentally twice. So… yea… a gun is not happening for you kid.

Anyway.. off track. Summary: Fuck being polite it’s ok for a minute, until it’s not. Trust your instincts. Don’t let your guard down. People are generally good, except when they aren’t.

Condensed summary: #MeToo

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