Every girl…

I have a daughter who is about to turn 16. Life was very different when I was 16. VERY different. That said, there are some constants. There are some things that every girl needs to know. I want to think I can wait to admit these things or to communicate these things, but I know that’s not true. There are facts that every girl needs to know, whether it’s 1984 or 2018… #LifeIsBullshit

  • Never have a drink that you haven’t poured yourself or watched someone pour.
  • Never let anyone take a picture of you naked.
  • If he hits you once, he WILL hit you again.
  • If he says no to a condom, he’s not the one for you.unnamed (3)
  • Trust your instincts. Being polite can kill you…

Women tend to be polite. We don’t like to make people feel bad or to upset the normal flow of things. This is often what hurts us most. About 7 years ago I was grocery shopping at Big Y in Worcester, MA. I wheeled my cart into the parking lot when a man offered to help me with my groceries. I politely declined. He then insisted that he had time. I opened my trunk and he took a bag out of my cart and put it in my trunk. My women’s instinct was to smile and try not to be offensive. Unfortunately for him, my Marie Christine instinct was not so much.  I saw a man and his girlfriend across the parking aisle get into their truck.

To set the scene a bit, Worcester is  “townie” town. Have you seen “Good Will Hunting”? I would like to say that’s Hollywood BS but it’s actually very accurate. Anywho, I immediately scan the parking lot to calculate my options. I realize that electrician-looking-townie and girlfriend in pick up truck are my best bet. I wave to the man to wave him over. He looks confused. His girlfriend looks pissed. Who TF is that old lady waving you over?! I wave again, he points at himself, I nod. The normal looking but over-the-line man keeps putting my bags in my trunk. I wave again. Townie-electrician, confused, starts to walk over. His girlfriend, pissed and ready to fight me, follows.

They arrive at my car. My favorite thing about townies (I’m a townie so I’m allowed to trash talk myself) is that they/we are entirely predictable in a fight or flight situation. We fight. ALWAYS. Even if it’s not a good idea.  I look at electrician-townie-guy and girlfriend and say: This guy followed me to my car. I told him to leave and he won’t leave. He’s trying to hurt me.

Townie girlfriend changes from who-is-this-bitch mode to this-guy-is-going-down mode. Maybe-Electrician-Guy gets in trunk-weirdo’s face. Both he and his girlfriend get into it. They tell me to get into my car and leave and they will stay with trunk-weirdo for 5 minutes until I’m long gone. Moral of the story… what would have happened if I was polite? He would have gone away? I would still be in his basement tied to a pole? Not thrilled considering those options. Don’t be polite. Trust you instincts. Thank you Maybe-Electrician and Pissed-Off-Confused-Girlfriend.

unnamed

  • Scream. As loud as you can.
  • Never go to a second location. If you are nervous AT ALL, never go to a second location. Ask around. Don’t.
  • Go for the eyes. Women have tendency to be maternal. Hurting someone’s eyes is permanent. Who cares. Go for the eyes. It’s you or him.

unnamed (1)

  • Find a mom with kids.

I’ve always told my kids this. There is a really cool dvd for kids by John Walsh and I can’t remember the name of it right now and I’m too lazy right now to google it. Find a mom with kids. My kids got Sooooo sick of hearing me say this. One day, my youngest daughter was going to kindergarten for the first time. She was taking a school bus for the first time. She went to kindergarten a year early (because she insisted because she is so Gigi). They put her on the wrong bus and let her off at a random city bus stop. Her first thought “Find a mom with kids”. She ran to a mom with kids and told her she was lost. That mom called the school, and the school called me. I think this rule applies to anyone age 1 -101. If you’re in trouble, find a mom with kids. A mom with kids will take care of fucking business y’all. Trust me. This should probably be rule #1. MOM WITH KIDS.

  • Kindness is the most important thing. Everything else is a distant second.

It took me 40 years to figure this one out. You can seek out any other characteristic in a friend/lover/boss/peer/team member. But if they don’t ALSO have kindness, it’s never going to work out. Kindness is a baseline necessity. Democrat, Republican, Alien, Anarchist… if you start with kindness you’re more likely to succeed.

  • Too skinny is bad. Too fat is bad.
  • If your roommate/sister/mom/dog doesn’t like him… listen.
  • Pepper spray washes off, a cracked skull doesn’t. Don’t be afraid to use the tools you’ve been given. (see prior comment on trust your instincts/don’t be polite).

unnamed (1)

This is probably my favorite GIF of all time. #BlondeMarieChristine

My oldest daughter recently asked me to teach her how to shoot a gun. I said “Fuck no!”. True story. I asked why? She said: “I don’t wan’t to be afraid of guns”. I said “If you aren’t afraid of guns, you shouldn’t be using them”. Granted, this is a tough one. I’ve recently inquired about reinstating my conceal carry permit that I let expire years ago. I’ve thought of having a rifle and just storing it in a location far from the actual bullets just in case Zombie Apocalypse (aka Trump Administration who the fuck knows).

Funny side story, my schedule didn’t sync up with the conceal carry class yet. In the meantime the teacher sent me an invitation to attend a “Ladies Conceal Carry Fashion Show”. I was like ahhhhh ok thanks but no. I’m not going to be a trendy 2nd amendment stomper… I’m going so I can blast douche bags like you if they try to get into my house… conceal and carry fashion show? What in the actual fuck? Will I even be able to attend this conceal carry class without getting stabby or just literally laughing in someone’s face? I honestly have no idea.

Anywho, I tried to explain to my daughter that you can’t teach people to be decisive or prepared. You either are or you aren’t. This goes back to my last blog a bit about whether I’m hurting my kids by not allowing them to suffer…  hmmmm.

I was thinking recently about the game “Perfection”. Have you ever played this game? You try to put plastic shapes into the corresponding spaces on a game board before a buzzer goes off. If you don’t make it in time, the board pops up and all of the pieces fly up into your face. I used to play this game with my daughter. Every time the pieces popped up she would scream and fall over. Even though she knew it was coming, she still couldn’t control her reaction. THIS is what I’m talking about. Either you scream when the pieces pop up, or you don’t. This is not something that can be learned once you’re past a certain age. I don’t scream… she does. My fault for not properly preparing her? Perhaps. But I digress… I do know what will happen if someone threatens me… it’s not a secret…

unnamed

I still might get the hidden rifle, but there’s no way she’s going near it. I did get her some pepper spray. The first time I handed it to her I showed her how to use it, and while holding it she aimed it at my face accidentally twice. So… yea… a gun is not happening for you kid.

Anyway.. off track. Summary: Fuck being polite it’s ok for a minute, until it’s not. Trust your instincts. Don’t let your guard down. People are generally good, except when they aren’t.

Condensed summary: #MeToo

unnamed (4)

One Year Later

Better than expected in some ways. Far worse than we could have imagined in many others. It’s ok to feel hopeless and worried. How can we not?

We MUST let that reality inspire us rather than deter us.  A couple of weeks ago I saw a clip of DJT saying “resist” in a feminine voice and then laughing and winking. I don’t know about you but that’s enough to keep me engaged.

Complacency here is our enemy. Liberal or conservative just do the right thing.  My Liberal friends say I’m too conservative and my conservative friends say I’m too liberal. I take that as a sign that I’m on the right track. Take actions that you’re willing to defend after your time on this planet is over. “I deserve more” is  not a defense.  Nor is “They deserve less”.

I will #RESIST in a strong feminine voice regardless of being mocked by our president.  I will #RESIST as long as it takes. Long after DJTs Health, reputation and voice are deteriorated.

#UnitedWeStand

Below are some shots of me and Bub this time last year. This was one of the hardest days of our lives and we joined our fellow Americans in a state of shock, disbelief and sadness.  I have never been so proud and optimistic but so painfully sad and panicked at the same time. I actually had to stop marching at one point out of sheer emotional pain. #RESIST How do you respond to a kind, smart 15 year old who continues to ask “How did this happen?” Please install an Unsubscribe button for 2017 k?

One interesting thing about women is that the more you mock us, the harder we fight.

Dear John…

Warning to my readers: This blog post is not cut from my usual sarcastic, Italian redneck, cloth.  I almost didn’t post it because I thought it was too boring.  Then I said you know what… F that I’m posting it.  That said, I’ve got some typical-me posts coming so don’t worry. Just humor me with this one. You guys are the best.

Dear John…   McCain

If you know me personally, you’ll assume “Dear John” is going to lead to a discussion on the ridiculous way I’ve handled the majority of my romantic relationships.  Perhaps, with the permission of Not-Tom-Brady, I will actually write THAT blog at some point.  This, however, is not THAT blog…

John Sidney McCain III was born in the Panama City Canal Zone on August 29, 1936.

He was a wrestler in high school and his nickname was “McNasty”. I love this. I am going to refer to him as McNasty from now on. Miss Jackson if you’re McNasty. Don’t let my heartfelt blog photo fool you, I’m not 100% on board here, but I’m not 100% off-board here, so there’s something to be said for that.

He graduated almost last in his class, 790th out of 795 students, at the US Naval Academy and was often disciplined for bad behavior. Oh McNasty is at it again!

He volunteered to serve in Vietnam in 1967 and became a naval aviator. During a bombing mission he ejected from his plane when it was hit by a missile. His plane was hit by a fu*king missile and he LIVED.

jm i'm back

He got captured by the North Vietnamese. They treated his injuries upon learning that his father was a famous military commander. Because of his father’s position, they tried to release John early as leverage in their negotiations. John declined because there were others originally due to be released first. He refused to put his life before theirs. He was then transitioned into a full prisoner of war and was held in solitary confinement and tortured for 5 ½ years. Summary: He spent 5 1/2 years being f*cking tortured because it was the right thing to do. WTF! The rest of us are upset when the line at Starbucks is too long. I felt like I was going to lose my shit one time when I was stuck at the airport in Buffalo, NY for 7 hours in January. Yup, I’m a first class asshole for even beginning to whine about my 7 hour delay in a warm airport with Cinnabons.

“He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.” –Donald J. Trump

Thank you John McCain for being a good person, a logical person, a war hero, and for actually doing what you think is right. Note that I say “what you think”. I may not always agree with you John, but you have integrity, and thoughtfulness. This makes you a true leader. Even when I think you’re being a dick, at least you discuss your intent and thought process, which is usually good. I hate that I can’t hate you… just saying.

Humble: When you found out that Shawn Hatosy was playing you in the film version of your autobiography, you joked that Danny DeVito should have been cast instead.

jm shawn

Bravery: 5 ½ years of torture to save the lives of other people you didn’t even know.

Integrity: 9/22/17 He announced that he would once again vote against the repeal of the Affordable Care Act. This, in itself, was a selfless act. The logic behind it shows the integrity of the decision: “I believe we could do better working together, Republicans and Democrats and have not yet really tried. Nor could I support it without knowing… how many people will be helped or hurt by it”. – John McCain III

So what you’re telling us, John, is that you want to understand a law before it’s passed, and that you think it should hurt as few people as possible and help as many people as possible? Say what????!!!!!!! P.S. Hey executive branch, remember me, the one who got captured? I know you like people who didn’t get captured… how’s that working for you?

jm mid term

Stamina: The 9/22/17 stand was made at age 81, in the midst of chemotherapy and radiation treatments for cancer. He’s also been in 2 plane crashes! He makes me feel like the biggest p*ssy on the planet, right? I was exhausted recently because it took me a long time to get home from a trip to South Carolina. I suck.

Loyalty/Patriotism: Regarding his cancer diagnosis and treatment: “I am more energetic and more engaged as a result of this because I know that I’ve got to do everything I can to serve this country while I can.” When asked if his actions were a way of getting back at Donald Trump for his war hero comments he said “If I took offense at everybody who has said something about me, or disparaged me or something like that- life is too short. You’ve gotta move on. And on an issue of this importance to the nation, for me to worry about a personal relationship, then I’m not doing my job”.

So you mean that you put your country before your ego?! How dare you! Oh wait no that’s right, that’s what patriotic Americans do. Hint to Executive Branch: Take Notes.

He refuses to comment on statements made by Donald Trump because he says he changes his statements so often there’s essentially nothing to analyze. See what he did there? Add “smart” to the list. I wonder why he didn’t tell us how high his IQ is? Oh, probably because it’s a sign of someone who’s a moron.

jm hawking 1

Some accuse JM of not going far enough. He spoke out against Donald Trump’s actions on DACA “Dreamers” by calling the decision “wrong”. Is that enough? I guess his actions will remain to be seen. It sounds like he’s kicking all engagement up a notch. Get some popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show. Kick ass and take names McNasty!

I’m looking forward to seeing what his daughter, Meghan McCain, does now that she’s joined ABC’s The View as their newest conservative co-host. I have a sneaking suspicion that his children are more respectful and empathetic than aghem… you know… the children of the corn… I mean white corn… I mean white house.

The dude has 2 separate cancer diagnoses, lives through 5 ½ years of solitary confinement and torture and 2 plane crashes. For the love of Christ somebody study this guy’s DNA! Are he and Chuck Norris related????

jm chuck 1

Again John, thank you for your service to this county, and your continued theme of doing the right thing… except that one time

jm drill

On a Scale from 1 to Even… I. Can’t. Even.

Heavens to Betsy! I have never actually used that phrase but today it seems like a good time to start. So, Betsy DeVos put out a press release about black colleges. She used the origin of black colleges as a success story example for school choice. What I don’t think Lady Antebellum understands is that they were created due to a LACK of choice, also known as segregation.

In case you don’t have a computer, or a newspaper, or eyes, or ears or a brain, I wanted to let you know that Donnie JT’s daughter is JEWISH. He’s only said it about 1500 times in the past several days, so I’m not sure if that was quite enough to get the message across. The secondary message here is that since he’s related to someone who has been Jewish for 30 seconds, this shields him from any possibility of any racial or religious bias. PHEW. I was worried for a minute but this seems to really clear things up, no? I wonder if she will convert BACK once her dad legalizes marriage between immediate family members?

even-ivanka-quote

Some of the top news stories on 3/1 were congratulatory articles on the Dictator of the United States’ address to Congress. This is a quote from USA Today “he did not relitigate the election results, he did not assail the media (much), and he did not call anybody names”. Is it me or does this read like a 4th grade report card? Dear Mr. & Mrs. Drumph, Donnie is doing SO much better. He didn’t sexually assault anyone at school today and instead of yelling “build a wall!” at his Mexican classmates he just wrote it down in his notebook. We are so proud that he almost managed to follow the basic rules of human civility for a full school day!

Red-Tie-McGee announced that he will delay his visit to the UK “because of fears of the huge public anger he would face were he to arrive in the country within the next few months…” (businessinsider.com). I guess dodging the draft worked, so dodging and entire country should too. This guy is not afraid of ISIS but he’s afraid of London? I’m just going to leave that one right there.

even-trump-quote

Remind me, how many days has it been?

While we are a deeply divided and un-united states right now, I think one of the things that most people agree on is supporting our troops. Even those who oppose the war(s) still support our troops. We have come a long way since Vietnam and the shameful treatment of those soldiers.

It seems possible that King Joffrey Trump may now know where Yemen is on a map. Excellent! Considering that he’s unable to articulate the current Israeli/Palestinian conflict, I’m pretty sure he’s not keyed in on what’s up in Yemen. I mean he has no time to bone up on his knowledge given the late night binge eating (thank you Spanx!) and binge tweeting and the refusing to read those really wordy intelligence reports (or to have them read to him).

even-joffrey

We are all upset about the death of U.S. Navy SEAL Ryan Owens. Here is a starter list of Things NOT to do in this situation when you have been “elected” President of the United States:

• Do not blame the prior President for a military action you authorized.
• Do not blame the Generals carrying out the military action you authorized.
• Do not make up a story about why the fallen soldier’s father will not speak to you.
• When the fallen soldier’s father clarifies his reason, don’t double down on contradicting him.
• Do not blame the military unit for the soldier’s death.
• Do not use the fallen soldier’s widow as an applause generator.
• When a crowd gives a standing ovation for Owen and his widow, DO NOT respond by saying that you think you just broke a standing ovation record. P.s. Your obsession with size and duration is gross and inappropriate.

even-blame-obama

Is anything good? Yep:

• Barbara Pierce Bush (Daughter of GW) headlined a Planned Parenthood fundraiser in North Texas this week.

• It got up to 60 degrees in Massachusetts, USA this week (downside, probably due to climate change)

• Solid research shows that Millenials care about facts. Hope for the future exists.

• Michelle & Barack Obama just agreed too write two or more books for Penguin Random House. The $65m contract has broken every existing record. (Crowds await the “Presidential” response to being told an Obama has broken a book deal record).

• “24 Legacy” is almost as good as the original “24”.

• Kayla Rae Norton and Jose Ismael Torres were sentenced to 35 years combined. Respect the real flag a$$holes. Can’t wait to hear how prison works out for y’all.

• Jackie Evancho sang the National Anthem at the recent Presidential Inauguration. It turns out she has a transgender sister, and positioned herself in the spotlight to bring awareness to her sister’s battle with a Pittsburg-area school board. A federal judge just ruled in her sister’s favor. The self-proclaimed brilliant strategist didn’t see that one coming. You go girls!

Last public service announcement for today: Gold is from Aliens, but vaccines are from earth. Check out this website (I beg of you, open the link BEFORE you comment… thank you kind reader): www.HowDoVaccinesCauseAutism.com

even-resist

2017 and the Return of the Flask

Each New Year we have the opportunity to reflect back on the prior year.  We try to learn from our mistakes.  We try to find optimism in the fresh start of a new calendar.

4 years ago, after 25 years, I quit smoking. TWENTY-FIVE Years!  This is hard to believe since that would mean I must have started smoking as a toddler (wink).  Still going strong.  Smoke Free since January 1, 2013.  The new calendar brings new possibilities. 

So begins 2017.  I’m healthier and ….. on an anxiety rollercoaster…

… enter the Flask

Remember flasks?  Back in the day dudes everywhere carried flasks.  I used to think geez, what’s the deal buddy?  You can’t make it between your house and the bar without having a back pocket full of booze?  2017 appears, and finally I get it.  I’m a 44 year old, white collar, female with 2 good jobs and a happy family, and I GET IT.

Here are just SOME of the reasons that I went on eBay and searched “pink flask”…

Campbell’s Soup changed their Chicken and Stars recipe. Remember those delicious little tiny stars? They are now abominations… giant puffy star outlines.  It says “Classic Recipe” on the label, which is a total #AltFact, and I had no idea that #AltFacts would mess with my soup. Campbell’s should be ashamed of themselves.

soup-can

soup-bowl

Thanks to the notorious DJT, Not all human beings in the “United” States have the right to use public bathrooms.  This sounds soooooooo familiar.  So they CAN use the bathroom it just has to be a different bathroom?  Why does this sound so familiar?  Oh riiiiiiight, segregation.  Segregation is cool again? I must have missed that memo.  Fact: It’s not about bathrooms now, just like it wasn’t about drinking fountains then.  

It’s now okay for coal companies to dump waste into our waterways.  Yay!  Wait… is that bad?  It’s so hard to figure out if that’s good or bad isn’t it? Dumping toxic waste into water…. Hmmm… I’m stumped!

Monopoly decided to stop making the “thimble”.  There was allegedly an online vote. I call voter fraud, or this is just an indication that all voting in 2016 was complete bull$hit.

flask-monopoly-and-emoji

It was so cool when we finally decided NOT to be complete a$$holes and stopped the pipeline going through Native American sacred land!  Then it was not awesome when DJ Trump decided to reverse that and blast right through it.  Latest Update: The additional pipelines approved near Mexico are also through Native American sacred ground.  Go USA!  #WeAreTheWorst

That awkward moment when you elect a President so he will bring back manufacturing jobs, and he admits on day 32 that he means white collar manufacturing jobs, not working-class jobs… then he suggests that if you don’t like it you should go to college or get over it.  Queue room full of rich cabinet members laughing their a$$es off.  Queue Trump Supporter hearing The-Price-Is-Right music you hear when you spin the wheel and it’s a lower number than the other contestant.  Bee boo boo boo… wahhhhhhhh.

white-laughing

Hiring a known EPA adversary to run the EPA.  Whaaaat? When Park Rangers start rising up, you know $hit just got real.  PARK RANGERS.  The guys and gals who like to breed fish and look at trees growing are angry enough start a resistance movement. 

Headline looks great: Ivanka Trump lobbying for $500m childcare credit for Americans! YES!  FINALLY!  Fine print: Credit is for dual income, high earners.  It’s fine because the title SOUNDS great.  That’s what matters, right? Dear DJT supporters, please start reading past the first line… I beg of you… please.   TBH, he’s not  hurting me, he’s hurting you… and even I’m not cool with it.

Jeff Sessions just directed the Bureau of Prisons to return to its previous approach of the use of Private Prisons.  Not shocking from someone deemed “too racist” to hold a high court position.  Dear Mr. Sessions, may you come back in the next life as a slave in Somalia.   

flask-burns

Actual candid picture of Jeff Sessions (I’m 99% sure the creator of the Simpsons approves this message)

Yesterday, Betsy DeVos, our new Secretary of Education, addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference. She opened with a joke about the free lunch program.  It’s super classy to joke about the fact that that millions of children need free lunch at school because they otherwise will not eat.  As a billionaire heiress, I can see why this would be amusing to her.  She worked so hard to get rich (aka she was born, being born is HARD!).   Betsy, go home, you’re drunk… and completely uneducated… oh sweet sweet irony.

Muslim Ban.  Not terrorist ban. Muslim Ban.  I think about the loss of my reproductive rights and the reproductive rights of my daughters. I think about climate change destroying our planet.  But what wakes me up at 2:00 am in a cold sweat is religious segregation.

It’s hard to picture Germans being “afraid” of Jews isn’t it?  We can’t visualize it as the same because Jews aren’t scary… to us.  They are our friends, neighbors and co-workers.  Here’s the thing, so are Muslims. (Side note: This is not different).

flask-unamerican

Remember that final scene in “A Time to Kill” where Matthew McConaughey tells the story of the rape and murder of Samuel L. Jackson’s daughter?  The jury sits silently, straight faced, uninterested. Then he says:  Can you see her? Her raped, beaten, broken body soaked in their urine, soaked in their semen, soaked in her blood, left to die. Can you see her? I want you to picture that little girl. Now imagine she’s white.”  Only at that point, does the jury start to cry.  The scene is upsetting, but also compelling.  It gets to the heart of bias that is both in and out of our control.  No matter how you feel, it’s your actions that matter.

gigi-afrank

Your actions will be your legacy.  Protect your legacy.    

You KNOW things have gone sideways when you wish Raymond Reddington was a real person so he could just get this taken care of.   Red… please rescue us.  In the meantime, I’ll be here with a back pocket full of booze.

flask

As always…. Gold is from Aliens.

We Both Wear Spanx… and other things I have in common with Donald Trump

 

You’re probably thinking to yourself, what could Marie Christine possibly have in common with Donald Trump? Well, the outspoken Werther’s Original and I actually have some unexpected overlap in interests, beliefs and activities.

– We both think we are right most of the time.

– We watch Saturday Night Live religiously.

– We agree that we want term limits for local and state government officials.

– We both wear Spanx, although he wears them far more often than me, from what I can tell.

– We would both be horrified if the people we work with saw our medical records.

– We don’t like leaving the house without make-up on.

– Neither of us was in the military.

– Related: We both avoided the draft during the Vietnam War (although for me it was because I was an infant)

– We LOVE us some fried chicken. Any day, anytime.

– Neither of us knows how to use Twitter properly, yet we keep trying, and continue to embarrass ourselves.

– We want restrictions on the impact of lobbyists on public policy.

– Neither of us did any due diligence in researching Michael Flynn’s credentials before he was hired. (Whoopsie)

– We make up nicknames for people we dislike.

– We are REALLY bad at geography.

– We love NYC.

– We binge watch TV in a bathrobe while everyone else is asleep.

But… only ONE of us knows where gold comes from.

wo