Things that suck, and Things that don’t suck

I’ve been blogging for 1 year! I keep notes on my iPhone when I have random thoughts or see random things or remember old stories that I want to write about. One note is “Things that suck” and one is “Things that don’t suck”. I decided it’s time to publish my annual compilation. 1 year blogging.. F yeah!

Disclaimer: This list is incomplete because a complete list would be long enough to ciricle the earth infinity times.

I’ll start with things that suck so we can end on a positive note.  Look at me being all positive and whatnot!

Things that suck…

When you’re driving long distance in a 70 mph zone and after 4 hours it turns into a 55 mph zone.

Salons that only take cash tips. Seriously who TF carries cash anymore? You get your pedi and then look like a complete asshole not leaving a tip because you have no cash. OR you have to ask your 10 year old if she has any cash on her. Or so I’ve heard…

Trolls… not the cute flair haired dolls, the kind that can’t help but feel good about trolling people from the comfort of their recliner with their misguided confidence and delusional importance. Hey, we see you dude.. we see youuuu

Christmas lights not working.  I was fucking Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation this year in our first year outside the city. I cant even. Why are Christmas lights so fucking difficult?!

image3Anti Vaxxers.  Guys Noooooo Link To See How Vaccines Cause Autism

Climate change

People with no self-awareness

Forgetting to use a promo code and staring at your online receipt like NOOOOOOOO! I HAD A PROMO CODE! WHY????????!!!!!!!!!!

Babies on planes with no pacifiers.  Hey, parent however you want but dude this is a 6.5 hour flight. Your child is losing their shit on my time. P A C I F I E R. Just my 2 cents.

Pressure to use soap and water in public restrooms. Is this just me? I travel a lot so I’m constantly in public bathrooms. As any good germophobe knows, touching public bathroom sinks and toilets is similar to touching a hobo’s jock strap. Ok hobos probably don’t wear don’t wear jock straps but you’re with me. I’m sorry but I walk right out of the public bathroom, past the germ filled sinks of doom, and use hand sanitizer no matter how many dirty looks I get at the airport. Fuck that. I know what’s up. Don’t judge me!

General conversion from cash to cards/apple pay. This leaves most of us without cash. So whenever someone helps us bring items to our car or a valet brings us our car we are like wow… *shoulder shrug* sorry I have no cash. Can I offer you a …. wait I have nothing on me because every fucking thing is electronic.

People who say “ATM Machine”. It’s Automatic Teller Machine guys. NOT Automatic Teller Machine Machine.

Solar panel sales people. Hey guy when I’m ready to get solar panels I’ll fucking get them, ok? Back TF off. Jesus Christ.

The guys who choose the treadmill right next to you even though there are about 25 open. Personal space anyone? Also, I’m 45 years old man I’m too old for this shit. #IWillCutYou

When you make a trip to a local store and they don’t have what you went there for. Then you’re like… this is why I buy online mf’ers! Brick and mortar local my ass! #PissingOffYourLiberalFriends #AmazonPrimeILoveYouSo

People who try to “prove” that Sandy Hook massacre never happened. Yea guys no. You’re a dick and/or have recently had a massive head injury.

When you assemble something from Ikea and you realize one piece is backwards when you’re done. Then you have to take the entire item apart and reassemble it from scratch. #WHY

Elementary School concerts.  The 5 minutes your kid is up there is awesome. The other 3 hours is the 5th circle of hell.

Man spread. Dear god guys what the fuck.

Rich people who have no idea…

People who don’t wipe down gym equipment. I just assume if my sweat touches dried sweat it somehow reactivates old dried sweat. Is it me? Ok it’s probably me… yea.

Middle seat on a long flight #MyLife

Wrong clothes for the weather. #CrossCountryTravel #Whoops

High deductible health plans. I don’t think it’s just my employer (who is wonderful BTW). I truly need a chiropractor but no longer go. I also had a blood infection a few years ago. I didn’t see a doctor because of the high deductible and by the time I realized how serious it was the infection had spread to my blood stream. Hey high deductible health insurance policies… great job! You almost killed me and cost yourself a lot more than if you just let me get checked out and get antibiotics on day 1… just saying.

Things that don’t suck…

iHop hash browns

The Americans (I’m pretty sure I’m Elizabeth Jennings so I may be biased here).

S-Town the podcast. I also liked “Missing Richard Simmons” but S-Town was incredible and heartbreaking and awesome.

The zesty lemon lobster roll at the Galley in Naples, ME. It was highlighted on Man vs. Food and they were spot on. I am a seafood fanatic and this lobster roll is where it’s at.

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Christmas Trees are magical

 

Jokes about your mom. Sorry these stand the test of time.

Rice Krispie Treats. When I was a kid I dreamed about having a job so good that I could afford fried chicken and rice krispie treats whenever I wanted them. #MissionAccomplished

Lidocaine. I haven’t needed you much, but when I have holy moly you were a god send.

Jager. Yea duh.

Real diners. I lived in Worcester, MA for 11 years. This is really the home of the original American diner. So cool to be around so much good history and so much good food.

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Bub

Lobstah

Good bosses #Priceless

Uber

The new boxing room at our gym

Fried PB&J at Hershey Park. I seriously sometimes consider driving almost 6 hours back to this place, and I hate amusement parks, just for their fried PB&J.

My in-cabinet paper towel holder. Moving your paper towels from the counter to a cozy hiding spot under the sink is so magical. #OldPeopleExcitement

Rear view mirror obstacle sensors.

Fried Mushrooms from The Eastern States Exposition #TheBigE Guys these are so good that the kids know to take a break from rides and let momma have her mushrooms and ranch. Once a year… so so good.

Dirk Benedict #SeeKimCoatesBlog

Valium #SelfExplanatory

Back To The Future & The Terminator Trilogies

Fried hot dogs. I still have sliced fried hot dogs a couple of times a month. They are turkey hot dogs now, but still.

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My precious Gigi and Bub

The Shawshank Redemption. This is the best movie ever. If you disagree you’re just wrong. That’s my position.

Room service with a pot of tea.

Best veggie burger I’ve had to date is from… wait for it… wait for it… Burger King. Not kidding guys, try it. I’ve had veggie burgers from diners, dives and luxury restaurants all over the country. Hands down the best tasting so far has been the one from Burger King. #SlowClapToBK

Gas home heating systems #KingJames

Fishamajig from Friendly’s

My plate smashing corner at my old house. I had a corner in my basement with a shelf with old dishes and glassware. When I was frustrated I would go and smash the dishes and glassware in the corner. You’d be surprised but this actually works.

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Miss Gigi #ThisFace

Oui Yogurt

This Is Us

Spotify… Thanks #BasicBen

Crab legs

Sunken Living Rooms #DavesNotHere

Baby cheeks

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Not-Tom-Brady #Babe #MyOneAndOnly

(Photo Credit: Chris Shonting) 

On a Scale from 1 to Even… I. Can’t. Even.

Heavens to Betsy! I have never actually used that phrase but today it seems like a good time to start. So, Betsy DeVos put out a press release about black colleges. She used the origin of black colleges as a success story example for school choice. What I don’t think Lady Antebellum understands is that they were created due to a LACK of choice, also known as segregation.

In case you don’t have a computer, or a newspaper, or eyes, or ears or a brain, I wanted to let you know that Donnie JT’s daughter is JEWISH. He’s only said it about 1500 times in the past several days, so I’m not sure if that was quite enough to get the message across. The secondary message here is that since he’s related to someone who has been Jewish for 30 seconds, this shields him from any possibility of any racial or religious bias. PHEW. I was worried for a minute but this seems to really clear things up, no? I wonder if she will convert BACK once her dad legalizes marriage between immediate family members?

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Some of the top news stories on 3/1 were congratulatory articles on the Dictator of the United States’ address to Congress. This is a quote from USA Today “he did not relitigate the election results, he did not assail the media (much), and he did not call anybody names”. Is it me or does this read like a 4th grade report card? Dear Mr. & Mrs. Drumph, Donnie is doing SO much better. He didn’t sexually assault anyone at school today and instead of yelling “build a wall!” at his Mexican classmates he just wrote it down in his notebook. We are so proud that he almost managed to follow the basic rules of human civility for a full school day!

Red-Tie-McGee announced that he will delay his visit to the UK “because of fears of the huge public anger he would face were he to arrive in the country within the next few months…” (businessinsider.com). I guess dodging the draft worked, so dodging and entire country should too. This guy is not afraid of ISIS but he’s afraid of London? I’m just going to leave that one right there.

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Remind me, how many days has it been?

While we are a deeply divided and un-united states right now, I think one of the things that most people agree on is supporting our troops. Even those who oppose the war(s) still support our troops. We have come a long way since Vietnam and the shameful treatment of those soldiers.

It seems possible that King Joffrey Trump may now know where Yemen is on a map. Excellent! Considering that he’s unable to articulate the current Israeli/Palestinian conflict, I’m pretty sure he’s not keyed in on what’s up in Yemen. I mean he has no time to bone up on his knowledge given the late night binge eating (thank you Spanx!) and binge tweeting and the refusing to read those really wordy intelligence reports (or to have them read to him).

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We are all upset about the death of U.S. Navy SEAL Ryan Owens. Here is a starter list of Things NOT to do in this situation when you have been “elected” President of the United States:

• Do not blame the prior President for a military action you authorized.
• Do not blame the Generals carrying out the military action you authorized.
• Do not make up a story about why the fallen soldier’s father will not speak to you.
• When the fallen soldier’s father clarifies his reason, don’t double down on contradicting him.
• Do not blame the military unit for the soldier’s death.
• Do not use the fallen soldier’s widow as an applause generator.
• When a crowd gives a standing ovation for Owen and his widow, DO NOT respond by saying that you think you just broke a standing ovation record. P.s. Your obsession with size and duration is gross and inappropriate.

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Is anything good? Yep:

• Barbara Pierce Bush (Daughter of GW) headlined a Planned Parenthood fundraiser in North Texas this week.

• It got up to 60 degrees in Massachusetts, USA this week (downside, probably due to climate change)

• Solid research shows that Millenials care about facts. Hope for the future exists.

• Michelle & Barack Obama just agreed too write two or more books for Penguin Random House. The $65m contract has broken every existing record. (Crowds await the “Presidential” response to being told an Obama has broken a book deal record).

• “24 Legacy” is almost as good as the original “24”.

• Kayla Rae Norton and Jose Ismael Torres were sentenced to 35 years combined. Respect the real flag a$$holes. Can’t wait to hear how prison works out for y’all.

• Jackie Evancho sang the National Anthem at the recent Presidential Inauguration. It turns out she has a transgender sister, and positioned herself in the spotlight to bring awareness to her sister’s battle with a Pittsburg-area school board. A federal judge just ruled in her sister’s favor. The self-proclaimed brilliant strategist didn’t see that one coming. You go girls!

Last public service announcement for today: Gold is from Aliens, but vaccines are from earth. Check out this website (I beg of you, open the link BEFORE you comment… thank you kind reader): www.HowDoVaccinesCauseAutism.com

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